If you are reading this, you are in one of two scenarios. You want some understanding, or you are going through this right now. This isn’t easy reading…for anyone, it’s not meant to be. This isn’t some fake blog post, these are my thoughts, on paper (or web pages…. whatever Mr. pedantic). This isn’t going to be the same for everyone. I’m not trying to put everyone in the same boat, and there’s a good to fair chance that a load of stuff in here that can be taken the wrong way. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I don’t think I’m a good person either. I think I sit in that middle ground, the Switzerland of people. It wasn’t my intention to offend, so don’t take it personally. As a disclaimer, if you are looking for more understanding on this situation because someone close to you tried to kill themselves, it was almost impossible for you to do anything. Just believe it. 

So where to start when describing what it’s like to go so far down the rabbit hole that you don’t think it’s possible to recover? A place that doesn’t just take over your mind, it genuinely feels like it takes over your soul. You feel it in your chest like a sickness, it spreads and it fucking hurts. Not hurts as in I’ve broken my leg, but more like the very fabric of your soul is tearing in half. Your chest feels tight all the time, you feel totally empty inside. Emotions range from sadness to aggression. Let’s start from the top and take this rollercoaster together, except we are riding through a tunnel of shit and you are front passenger. Enjoy….

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the huge majority of people that end up following through and killing themselves didn’t do it on a snap decision. Everyone has problems, and there sure as shit are things that happen that push you to, and sometimes over the edge. However, the decision to do the big one, it’s not just off the cuff. Let me try and explain the stages of getting to the stage of despair, the final steps before ending it.

1. When the fun stops, stop.
   
   Same shit different day, another day ticked off to monotony. I’m not even living anymore. I’m a passenger in my own life. Work eat sleep repeat. What’s the point? Everything feels so heavy. It’s hard, it’s really hard. I’m really struggling here, everything hurts. I’m can’t face going to work again today, I really hope they don’t ask any questions. I can’t deal with it.
   
   Sound familiar? The first stage is misery, self-loathing and pity. Often there is no reasoning behind it, you just get a real downer. For me it was caused by my job and my sports injuries. The monotony of my job, the feeling of being a fraud, the pain in my legs and back from training sessions and not being the player I used to be. You don’t necessarily drink more; you don’t do anything different to create awareness. Life just kind of hits you and it just feels hollow. In fact, I’m probably lucky in that drink never really appealed to me in the house. Sure, I could sink 10 pints, chunder and smash a kebab on a weekend. But in the house, on my own…never really appealed. You know what? Looking back, It probably saved my life.
   
   So anyhow, the first thing to disappear is pleasure in doing anything. The things that you spend all of your free time doing, the things that you look forward too more than anything in the world. Suddenly it doesn’t have the same effect. You start making excuses not to go out, not to attend social events. Then you start taking days off sick from work. The hardest part is finding new excuses instead of saying that you’re having a breakdown (which you don’t even realise is happening). They become more regular to the point where you just don’t care anymore. You leave it later and later before calling in. Picking up the phone and calling your boss becomes the hardest part of your day.
   
   I’ve realized now that my entire life I’ve been chasing highs to combat the lows, the mediocrity, the boredom. That ‘happiness’ was just getting my kicks, my mental highs. Doesn’t matter if it is playing a sport, video games, watching films, having sex, masturbation, gambling, adrenaline rushes, anything! Something just fades. It disappears. The enjoyment or relief or whatever you got out of it dies. That’s when you should realise that you are in trouble, but no one ever does, because your mind is a weapon against you.
   
   
2. The world is a cesspool of hate and spite
   
   “People are such bellends. Good people don’t exist, just shitty people looking to get one up on you every second of every day. Why both trying to do anything good in the world when it just gets shit on. Look at the news again, there must be 50 bad people for every good person.”
   
   When the enjoyment goes, then so does your enthusiasm. Once that goes, then life falls into a routine of waking up, working, sitting on your ass doing nothing, sleeping, repeat. You become disinterested in just about every aspect of life. Tiredness sets in, all the fucking time. Want to talk about being tired, try having nothing that interests you. It physically breaks down your entire psyche. Everything suddenly becomes so much heavier. Even the little things become a huge burden on your life. Your social life is the first thing to take a dive.
   
   You accept all of the invitations to social events with enthusiasm and excitement, yeah, that sounds great, I need something to get me going. Then when the day rolls around, there is nothing worse you could possibly think of than attending that event. The crippling anxiety of going to an event you have signed up for. Sitting there watching the minutes tick down until the start time, you should already have been there by now. Hoping that no one notices that you haven’t turned up, that no one calls your phone to find out where you are. You shut down, turn it off, hide from the world. Then, when that event is over, a sense of relief comes over you, and you feel human again. You didn’t even attend.
   
   When you start blowing off events your friends actually start getting annoyed. Go figure, you do the same thing yourself. How many times have you heard it? “He hasn’t turned up again….gah typical “. Eventually you stop getting invited and that really cuts deep. It’s entirely your own fault, but you see people updating social media with how much fun they are having, and you weren’t even invited. That kills a little part of you, to the point where you start to resent the very people you called friends.
   
   Your job sucks, you get snappy at people, instead of looking for the good, all you can see is the world full of shitty individuals. Social media is a plague. The world suddenly looks dark. Everyone seems to have a different opinion to you, totally trivial things suddenly make you more aggressive, they anger you. No, you don’t understand, I’m talking about a deep, dark anger. You might even send a shitty reply on facebook, or a text you really shouldn’t. Strong bitterness sets in. Then your friends get in the crosshairs…
   
   
   
3. Friends? I don’t have any
   
   “No one cares about me, if anyone actually did, they would call, text, message me. I didn’t get invited to the group event again. They are now doing stuff without me. I’m not going to message anyone for a day/week/month’, if no one contacts me it’s proof. It’s proof that they hate me, it was all just fake. They only talked to me to be nice.”
   
   ‘Friends? What friends, no one has messaged me in a week. Nothing. Not even a text. I’m sick of this shit, I’m always the one organizing events, I’m always the one that puts the effort in. Why do I feel so alone? 
   
   The next stage is probably the worst. This really is the killer in the sense. How many of you, when feeling absolutely miserable have waited by your phone for something to happen? Here’s the kicker, you don’t even want it to ring. You want to be proven right. You start setting absolutely ridiculous goals, you aren’t going to message anyone for a week straight. Who bothers to text you first?
   
   This gets worse. Your mind can be a real piece of shit. You start to think that they never were your friends, they used to hang around with you out of pity, or trying to not look like bad people. You suddenly start over thinking every single interaction you ever had with them.
   ‘They don’t actually like me’
   ‘They plan stuff without me’
   ‘I bet all they do is talk to each-other about how much of a loser I am’
    ‘I bet I’m a really shitty person to be around’
   ‘Look, no one text me after a week, that’s how much they care.’
   
   Been there? You aren’t the only one. This level of anxiety grows stronger and stronger. Your mind starts doing things that you feel powerless to stop, when the phone stops, you feel totally alone. There is no outlet and you are simply left with your own thoughts for far too long. Overthinking was child’s play at this point, now your mind has gone full turbo and is creating scenarios that didn’t even exist. It builds up and up until you become a time bomb. You snap at literally anyone that comes into contact with you. Things are really falling off a cliff here. You are imagining scenarios that would never exist in the real world.
   
   
4. I’m such a burden
   
   “I’m such a mess, such a disgrace. I can’t imagine how much she hates me right now; I’ve ruined her life. She’s stuck with me and it’s not fair. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me. She could have had anyone else, anyone that doesn’t act like me. How can I possibly share any of this with her? I’m meant to be the strong one. She’s going to leave me. Why hasn’t she left already? Heck, everyone would be better off without me, why do I keep holding them back? “
   
   The next stage is the self-pity and self-destruct stage. You begin to think you are a massive burden on the people around you, more specifically your spouse/girlfriend. You start to think how much you must be dragging them down, mentally and physically. Mood swings are pretty violent here, you can feel like crying for 10 seconds followed by utter contempt for everything for the next 10.
   
   Nothing beats the phrase ‘Just talk to me’. The one person you cannot possibly bring yourself to talk to is the one person that you love so deeply that it tears you in half even thinking about it. Realizing that you are probably on the path to removing yourself from their life. The toughest part is that you can’t even imagine telling them because you are terrified how they might take it. Even though you are sat here thinking about not existing, the thought of rejection from the most important person in the world is worse. You are meant to be the strong one, the person that deals with the shit, the protector. You start thinking that you are going to look pathetic if I tell her.
   
   “What kind of a worthless man am I. I can’t even deal with my own mind. I’m not taking her down with me.”
   
   This stage becomes enlightening in all the wrong ways. Your mind convinces itself that you are a complete burden on society, your wife, your kids, workplace, friends, sports teams, family. You start thinking about your funeral, and how few people would care. You think they would only show up out of pity.
   
   
5. Fuck you, and fuck everyone else!
   
   The last stage is the make or break. This is the big one. The last minute in a drawn game. The final seconds before the last shot.  
   
   “I’ll show them. No one gives a fuck anymore. No ones called, I’m totally alone. I’ll show them for not caring. Let’s see how they feel when they realize I’m dead because of them. I could do it right now. I could slam this car into that barrier and it would be all over, I could throw myself straight over the edge, they would even have to clean me up, the bastards. Maybe then they would see what they did to me. Maybe then they would care. At least they will be free of me. Everyone else can rot in hell. I hope this haunts them for the rest of their lives.”
   
   I’ve stood at the edge of a cliff, tall buildings, facing a box of pills. Want to know what it feels like. You get a rush. You get a rush of adrenaline when your body realizes that this is it. This is you making that step. I’m going to do it. I’m going to take that step. It will be quick. I’m going to smash those pills, I won’t even notice. Your heart starts racing, you can feel it in your chest, time starts accelerating, minutes disappear like seconds. Your hands sweat, they clench, yet they remain totally fucking steady. Un-nerving, you can put your hand out Infront of yourself like the scene in the departed. Your heart may be going 1000 mph, but you could perform heart surgery. How’s that for consistency, you mind works against you the entire time of your episode, and when it comes to it, it even settles your hands to make sure you don’t fuck it up.
   
   So there I am, stood on the edge of a clifftop, steady as the face itself, this is it, quick giggle and then……………..I got a call.